Started in 1978, initially a council backed job creation scheme designed to combat the horrific unemployment figures of the time. The industry consisted of the careful dismantling and reconstruction in adjacent council wards of redundant factory chimneys. As a way of teaching new skills to the jobless it was deemed revolutionary. The scheme caught the eye of the Thatcher Government who were looking to test a radical new policy, privatisation.

In 1980 the government seized all of Birmingham's chimneys and sold them in a blaze of publicity, the classic slogan 'If you see a chimney, sell it!' became marketing legend. The public went chimney crazy and a multi billion pound industry was born, existing Chimneys across the city went up in value by over 700%. Soon every town and city wanted a chimney trade and Birmingham, being the birthplace of the industry was well placed to capitalise on this. It exported thousands of them around the UK. Professional services boomed in the frenzy with accountants, lawyers and consultants benefiting greatly, in fact 'Chimney Studies' became the most popular degree course at many universities for several years.

Sadly all good things come to an end and in 1987, the now unsustainable chimney bubble collapsed, later known as Black Monday. Chimneys became worthless overnight and the country slid into a protracted recession. Cash rich Arab investors snapped up the chimneys and for many years chimney stacks could be found dotted across the Arabian Peninsula. The chimney market has recently been reinvigorated as they are prized commodities in the emerging economies of India and China.

The last surviving chimney in Birmingham was recently sold to the city of Chengdu in China for 2 million pounds sterling and is currently being erected in the city's main square as testament to its new found wealth and prowess.

There comes a point in your head when the meaning of the phrase ‘free time’ ceases to conjure up an image of you idly turning the pages of an engaging novella, summer breeze at your cheek and coffee cooling at your palm, wistfully contemplating the next few hours of blissful leisure and is replaced by one of you desperately scouring the TV guide for something that will temporarily divert your thoughts from your burning desire to dig the part of your brain that processes boredom out with a Biro.

Somebody please take my free time, it needs boundaries, it needs to know when it can do interesting, life enhancing things and it has to be subject to long periods of soul destroyingly unfulfilling tasks in the interim. I used to love my free time and it used to love me. Now it sits there and sulks as I watch Homes under the Hammer in my pants. “Why don’t we watch that documentary about the history of North Sea Oil on BBC Parliament?” it would say. “not again” I mutter under my breath as I switch over to watch the live feed from the Big Brother house.

It is clear me and my free time need some time apart, maybe a few weeks on an oil rig or a Gulag. Can’t someone just tell me to go somewhere for a certain amount of time each day to dig a hole? No remuneration need be involved.

as i wait by both the computer and my mobile, constantly reloading the former and pressing buttons on the latter, under the fear that an e-mail has been diverted into the 'junk mail' folder or a call lost along the airwaves, i feel like a rather stressed-out and nauseated wreck.

as the days quickly tick by, i am forced to face the fact that i have less and less days to even work a potential job at this point. with all of the agencies i've registered for giving me nothing but static, and two others called yesterday in an attempt to register with discouraging sentiments that they really didn't have work right now, i have to wonder how much the global economy is factoring into this whole mess i've gotten myself into.

after all, i could have just come into the country with my passport, without paying BUNAC their $190 for the work visa i am so blatantly not using at the moment. not to mention the bank account opened that is holding £100 of my money hostage that i will desperately need access to soon.

after walking the (approximately) 2 miles to the british museum from the flat yesterday (yes - you saw the mileage right) i was able to wander around my previous bloomsbury haunts, quickly and subconsciously clicking back into the mode of knowing what shop or cafe is down which street, without really having to recall it. the museum itself was just as fantastic (and crowded) as i had remembered it being, but also had a great (and free!) exhibition on: the american scene. filled with fantastic sketches and woodcuts, it was a great little art show.

the situation as it stands now has me rationing out my money: booze, food, travel, mobile. i hope to make a list of (free) attractions that i am dying to visit again - spitalfields, the parks, tate modern etc. etc. in the hopes that i can cram this stuff in with my paltry budget before i have to beat it.

cross your fingers for me, readers !

i leave you with this, in the hopes that you might dance around your living room with it playing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UX0p7uAW2s

This article, published on a British investing web site, corroborates what I've been saying about the American economy and makes exactly the point that I made in Chapter 1 of Five Short Blasts - that the state of the American economy is much worse than the government's macroeconomic indicators would lead you to believe.  Pay particular attention to Mr. Edelson's graphs of GDP growth, unemployment and inflation.  I've been repeating over and over that:

1. GDP is a poor measurement of the health of our economy.  Mr. Edelson's graph represents per capita chained GDP - the better measurement I've been pushing - which shows that the U.S. economy spends more time in recession than it spends in real recovery.
2. I've been saying that unemployment (the official rate is currently 5.5%) is grossly understated and that the weekly jobless claims report, which shows that about 13% of our work force files for unemployment every year, is a much better measure.  Mr. Edelson corroborates this with his "shadow unemployment" rate of 13.7%!
3. I also made the point in the book and continue to make the point that inflation is understated.  Mr. Edelson's graph reveals that inflation is currently running at 12.6% instead of the government's official rate of about 5% (less, if you let the government strip out things like food and energy to arrive at what it calls the "core rate").  Read Mr. Edelson's explanation of how the government has used gimmicks to strip out most of inflation's effects. 

The article goes on to recommend an investment strategy, which doesn't necessarily reflect my own views.  Take it for what it's worth.  But I highly encourage you to take a look at the article and check out Mr. Edelson's graphs.  Here's a few hi-lites from the text of the article.  First, his take on GDP:

Larry Edelson: Thank you! Since the 1980s, Washington has changed and manipulated the way it measures almost every major economic stat — inflation, GDP, unemployment, even money supply — to fit its own political agenda.

John Williams ( www.shadowstats.com ) is a real number cruncher, and he has exposed this deception by continuing to measure those key numbers the same way the government used to, using the same metrics the government used to swear by!

... We had a much deeper recession in 2002, an attempt to recover, and more recently, a second recession starting in late 2006 or early 2007. In other words, the big picture for this entire decade is a double-dip recession. Meanwhile, the government claims we're not in a recession. It's ridiculous.

Next, his take on unemployment:

The unemployment situation is also much worse than the government admits: The government publishes a whole series of unemployment numbers — U1, U2, all the way up to U6. But the most widely used unemployment rate — the one the public hears about every month — is U3. Here's the line representing U3. It's now at 5.5%.

Plus, the government also publishes the unemployment rate called U6, which is the government's broadest measure. That's now at 9.7%.

Martin: Most people aren't aware that the government itself admits we have 9.7% unemployment in the U.S. But on top of that, you're saying it's even worse?Larry: Yes, during the Clinton Administration, the government decided to stop counting long-term discouraged workers — people who had given up looking for a job for more than a year.

Result: The number of discouraged workers in their stats dropped from the 5 million range to less than 500,000.

Martin: So 4.5 million discouraged workers magically disappeared from the government's unemployment count?

Larry: Into thin air! Like they didn't exist! So you have to add those discouraged workers back into the ranks of the unemployed, just like they did before the Clinton years.

Martin: So what's the broadest measure of unemployment today, based on the way the government used to calculate it?

Larry: It's this red area — 13.7% unemployment. That's much closer to the true unemployment rate in the U.S.

Martin: That's hard for most people to believe.

Larry: Is it really? I think it's very consistent with the fact that so many Americans are suffering an income crunch. And it also jibes with the fact that so many Americans have had to borrow so heavily to make ends meet.

Martin: That makes sense. If people are wondering, "Why was the Fed so frightened in the early part of this decade? Why did they pump up the housing bubble? Why did Americans take out so many home equity loans?" — then this picture you're painting of the true GDP and the true unemployment helps us answer those questions.

Finally, his take on inflation:

The key is how the official Consumer Price Index — the CPI — is also being used to brainwash the public, unfortunately.

Here's the CPI: 5% inflation. I guess if you don't eat, don't drive or don't buy anything, or if you're in high office and all that is taken care of for you, then maybe you're experiencing low inflation. But for nearly all other Americans, the government's CPI figures are horribly understated.

Martin: Explain how that's done.

Larry: Starting in the 1980s, the government made two major, fundamental changes to the way they calculate the CPI.

First, they began making adjustments for the quality of the products. For example, if a textbook has color pictures in it, they say it has a higher value and, therefore, they recognize only a portion of the price increase.

Martin: But as a practical matter, if a college professor requires a certain textbook, the student still has to buy it and pay whatever it costs, right?

Larry: Of course! The second major thing they did was to plot some key items on a log scale. The net result is that they reduce the weight of items that go up in price, but increase the weight of items that go down in price. It's absurd, but they did it for a reason: To hold down the inflation adjustment for Social Security payments. Their real agenda was to underpay retirees by covering up the true inflation.

Martin: Let's assume the government never changed the CPI. And let's calculate the CPI the way they did before these changes were made.

Larry: Then you'd get the red area in this chart: According to Shadow Government Statistics, consumer price inflation in America is now galloping along at the rate of 12.6% per year.

Martin: 12.6% consumer price inflation in the United States today!

Larry: Yes. And I think that jibes with most people's experience. That's why foreign investors are getting fed up with our dollar. That's how the world is buried in a tsunami of counterfeit dollars — and every one of them is falling in value, gutting the buying power of your dollars at the rate of 12.6% per year! At that rate with compounding, your cost of living doubles in less than six years!

Martin: Which is maddening for people on fixed incomes.

Larry: Absolutely maddening. You have millions of people who scrimped, saved and invested to build a nest egg — to ensure a dream retirement. Now, many could wind up barely surviving, financially dependent on their families. Plus, you have millions of people who are losing their #1 source of retirement savings — the equity in their homes. Worst of all, you have millions of people who trust the government's numbers and are sleepwalking towards disaster. That's what we're so worried about.

If you'll check my "2008 Predictions" you'll see that, back in November of 2007, I predicted a recession and, counter-intuitively, rising inflation and interest rates.  Here's Edelson's forecast:

Martin: In your opinion, what's the worst-case scenario?

Larry: The worst-case scenario is a hyperinflationary depression. But whether it goes that far or not, I think we're going to see one of the greatest inflationary spirals in decades. That sums up my views.

When Phil Gramm slammed Americans for being a nation of whiners and having a mental recession mindset, he was body slammed hard and heavy by many pundits as well as the man he was campaigning for, John McCain. Barack Obama ridiculed Mr. Gramm saying America already has one doctor Phil. When people are losing their homes, their jobs, their ability to earn a comfortable living, and provide for the future of their families it is not a crisis of psychology. When people are having difficulty just buying the basics such as food and gas for transportation, it is a crisis of real consequences that can have repercussions for us all. For Mr. Gramm, no doubt a handsomely paid and wealthy individual compared to the average American, to dismiss the problems with people’s finances as nothing more than a mindset is to demonstrate a serious lack of compassion for others who are not as fortunate.

In essence, Mr. Gramm was trying to tell people to quit having a victim mentality and a lot of people took exception to his indifference to most people’s plight. No one said that Mr. Gramm might have a point. No one said that things would get better when everybody took more personal responsibility for their conditions although it goes without saying that we the people could have better prepared for these rainy days. More of us could have purchased more efficient living accommodations. More of us could have purchased more efficient forms of transportation. More of us could have used our credit resources more sparingly. Most of us could have done things more wisely. But should haves and would haves and could haves do little to help alleviate the fact that people are concerned about what they need right now. We can point the finger later but right now people need help.

The parallel between the current economic conditions of America compared to the economic conditions of many people in the black community since forever are similar. Black people have always been given rhetoric to quit being a whiner and pick ourselves up by our boot strap. Many people have the attitude that black people are just a bunch of whiners and need nothing more than to change. Despite the overwhelming evidence that says there is a fundamental economic dysfunction within the black community, regardless of the reason it’s there, most people are content to turn a blind eye and say this problem would not exist if people in the black community didn’t suffer from their weakness of character that prohibits us from rising to the challenge and meeting our problems head on.

It is a matter of public record that on average people in the black community earn only seventy eight percent what people in the white community earn. And that is if black people can find a job. The rate of unemployment in the black community runs approximately twice the rate of unemployment in the white community. Black people are much more likely to be incarcerated and to have less access to adequate legal representation. The lack of compassion for people in the black community is tremendous.

But now that the other economic shoe is free falling and more people in the nation are being impacted with the specter of unemployment, unaffordable housing, poor public education prospects thanks to the ill conceived program called no child left behind and the other maladies that are plaguing us as a nation, more people want reassurance and some understanding that their problems are not psychological but are real and our frightening.

Why doesn’t the dominant community take this rare opportunity to show the black community how easy it is to just quit being victims and whiners when there are no jobs available or when there is no money available? I believe there is a lot to learn here! Everybody in the black community can learn first hand how to get a job when the job market is shedding jobs at a rate of fifty thousand a month. We can learn how to balance budgets between income and expenses when there is no income. We can learn how the responsible people are paying for housing even though foreclosures rates are rising almost exponentially. And mostly of all, people in the dominant community can take this golden opportunity to show exactly how we should respond to uncompassionate rhetoric from someone who just doesn’t give a damn.

So far, the reactions from the dominant community have not been very educational or enlightening. In fact, if anything, the responses from the dominant community have been quite similar to the type of responses that would originate from the black community. I would dare say that no matter the skin color, when people feel like they could use some help, it would be appreciated if others would show some kind of empathy or concern for their plight. If anything, the dominant community demonstrates that when you are a victim, there is nothing wrong with having a victim mentality. Picking up a boot strap to lift your self out of a predicament really is pointless if there’s nothing to hook that boot strap to.

Hourray.

Many of those in the not-so-seasonally adjusted figure of unemployment - 4.5 million out of 39.99 million (between 16 and 64 years of age), giving a % unemployed rate of (40/4.5) x 100 = 8.9% (even that's an underestimate) have only ever wanted a job.

Now the Grubbyment is promising them one.

They now have to work for their benefits i.e. Employment by any other name. Now that the slime that likes to make rules and impose them upon me is going to do this, {and we musn't forget the scummy Tories are dog shagging the same leg here}, why on earth didn't they leglisalte that employers must employ a certain % of unemployed according to the companies profitability and size as a function of the number of unemployed?

Trupble is this employment is a whipping on the aforementioned 8.9% whereas the alternative above whips the corporations. Isn't it strange who the "guvn't" is whipping and who they arn't?

Well no, of course not.

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Your voice is so tolerable now!
I can totally hear this being said at Thanksgiving dinner. You haven't seen your mother-in-law for a few months, maybe she's just gotten over a case of laryngitis, and you're trying to fill those awkward moments between second dessert and unzipping your pants in front of football. What? She can't take a compliment? Stuck-up whore, should have buried her alive when you had the chance.

Have you gained IQ points?
I've actually heard a variation of this one posed to a family member (from a family member) and not that kind of soft-insult humor either; it was said in complete honesty... and the recipient did not get it. Perhaps the appropriate answer to the question was, "No".

You've still got a job?
We all know at least two or seven of those guys (I am one! Yet again, I fit a mold!). This is one you expect to hear from the mother-in-law, perhaps as a response to the voice comment? Why's your mother-in-law such a bitch?

Your penis is so cute
At least we don't have to worry about that pesky "left or right" question, right? Did I say "we"? I meant you... you don't have to worry. No guy wants to hear this, but you know they have. Imagine it was like losing weight, "Your penis is getting so small! Pretty soon you won't be able to please me at all!"

Have you ever gotten the "you're so whatever" treatment?

Here is the first part of the article:

"The remarkable fact is that this is going to be the first recession from one peak to the next that we've seen a decrease," said John Schmitt, is a senior economist with the Center for Economic and Policy Research. "We never got back to where we were."

Women have yet to regain their foothold in the labor force since the 2001 recession. At the business cycle's peak in March 2001, the employment-population ratio for women 20 years and older, seasonally adjusted, reached 58.8% -- a rate that hasn't been reached since and hit 58.2% in June, according to the Department of Labor.

"It now appears that, unlike in decades past, families can no longer rely on women's employment to help boost family income during a downturn," according to the report. "Families are more economically vulnerable as wives are no longer insulating families from economic hardship in times of higher unemployment and falling or stagnant real wages."

A family relies on the typical wife for more than one-third of its income, according to the report, which added that one-quarter of children are raised in single-mother families that are at particular risk. On Wednesday, the Joint Economic Committee is holding a hearing about the impact of higher household costs and stagnant wages.

I baked these.

Want a closer look?  Well....OK.

Why yes, those ARE ho-made cranberry, white chocolate and macadamia  nut cookies, blended with my own two hands because I have no idea where my mixer is.  Thanks for asking!

In other news, I need a damn job.

Can you imagine earning an incredible income for sending people to eBay who purchase one of the 60 million items listed? Just imagine … No boss to report to and the ability to set your own hours. And having unlimited income potential!

MyShoppingGenie’s proprietary technology is revolutionizing the eBay shopping process without a Web site or costly pay-per-click campaign! And you can be the first to give it away to thousands of users who will be earning YOU money every time they purchase on eBay through the MyShoppingGenie technology.

Don't delay ... take the next step to learn more about this ground-breaking opportunity that is attracting thousands and thousands of people from across the globe! Plus…you’ll find out how easy and quick it is to start your own business.

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970-412-1469
Let me see it!

As with all these types of plan it seems reasonable on the face of it. If after a reasonable amount of time you won't or can't find work then you will be made to do community work in order to continue receiving the benefit. The work will be such things as cleaning graffiti off walls, litter picking etc. This will of course go towards decreasing the availability 'real' jobs and I can't see for example, an unemployed I.T. consultant or ex company director doing this work, it will be the 'ordinary' people. The clever ones will work their way onto the proposed higher level of benefit for those not expected to be able to find work for one reason or another.

Some people of course do get into a rut of not working and they need encouragement. The trouble is, as usual, the problem is looked at from the wrong perspective. It is not that benefits are too high but that the incentive to work is too low. The minimum wage is not sufficient for the average person to have a decent lifestyle by today's standard and couple this with the obscene salaries and bonuses paid to those at the higher end of the pay scale it's not hard to see where the problem lies. The shift of wealth from those who have little, to those who already have much has increased exponentially for decades and even more so under the present government.

Oh by the way, this whole idea, endorsed by the Government, comes from David Freud, an investment banker!

The other part of this proposed plan is to force drug addicts onto rehabilitation programmes or they too will have their benefits stopped. Ask any psychologist or anyone with knowledge of the mind and they will confirm that you can't force people into rahab. they must want it or it just doesn't work. Given that the majority of crimes are committed to pay for drugs then stopping benefits will obviously increase crime. Politicians never seem to think anything through.

It is easy of course to make a show of clamping down on those unorganised, voiceless and powerless members of our society who need help rather than to tackle the inequalities, the wealthy tax cheats, those who send their money to tax havens and who can afford accountants to ensure that they contribute as little as possible to the common good. Margaret Thatcher stills rules, simply changed her name to Gordon Brown.

"YN is a social networking site for people under the age of 27 who like to connect based on deeper interests than Paris Hilton's wardrobe and want to get engaged within a cause. Find a cause, search for friends, and get involved. Want to free Tibet? Passionate about human rights?Whatever your cause, network it here."

Under their causes tab is listed anything from Animal Rights to Arts and Media, to Economy to Business to Government to Poverty to  Religion, to name but a few. You can also join existing youth projects, create a personalised profile, connect to government and gain access to registries of companies and sponsors who can help with your cause or dream. i think it's an awesome idea, and wish there was a company like that in South Africa whose disillusioned youth so desperately need a voice.

South Africa presents a unique challenge, however, because mass market youth don't have the kind of internet access something like Youth Noise. a mobile version of the site would be a prerequisite here. i can only imagine that everything that is wrong with South Africa - crime, unemployment, poverty - will only be compounded as upcoming generations realise that as much as the word democracy gets thrown around here, they really don't have a voice. what do you say, Youth Noise? are you ready for a challenge?

Around 4.5 million people in UK are on out-of-work benefits, and the idea behind the government's plans is to find out how many of those claimants are capable of working. Is this unfair on those who have genuine trouble finding work, or do you think it is necessary to stop work-shy layabouts from sponging off the state? How does it work in your country?

If the global economy is slowing down, how much money do you think the unemployed should be able to claim?

ITEM Club chief economist Peter Spencer says the pressures on high street and in the housing market will “get a great deal worse before it gets better”.

Although oil has retreated from the record highs in recent weeks, ITEM believes prices will stay above $100 a barrel for the next two years – while house prices are expected to drop by about 10% through 2008 and a further 6% next year.

“We have already seen a housing crisis that has morphed from a credit crunch to a general collapse in confidence as prices have tumbled,” Spencer says.

“Our worry is that without the usual medication from the Bank of England - which would have nasty inflationary side effects in this environment - the consumer will follow suit, moving from their current state of denial into a state of despair."

ITEM is particularly gloomy on unemployment levels, expecting slower immigration flows to mask the full extent of the losses.

“We expect unemployment (on the Labour Force Survey measure) to increase from the low point of 1.6m reached at the end of last year, topping the 2m mark by 2010,” Spencer says.

While the UK will battle to stave off technical recession, ITEM says financial pressures facing households and companies are not as bad as the early-1990s downturn.

Spencer expects the Bank of England to cut rates as soon as November.

“The weakening economy should allow the MPC to cut base rates this winter without running the risk of inflationary second-round effects,” he says.

“We expect base rates to fall to 4% by the end of 2009. This will help to put a cushion under the level of demand in the economy and set the scene for a recovery in 2010.”

This article was first published by IFAonline, part of the Incisive Media group.

Yes, I am guilty of shopping there, but don't think that I'm happy about it. I refer to it as the House of Satan. Why shop there? Because it's close by (save on gas) and because it is cheap. I only go there for specific items.

I'd forgotten about this video. If shopping there is a necessity for me, at least in the memo portion of the check, I can write: "For Deborah Shank". Better yet, let's write to them:

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc.
702 SW 8th Street
Bentonville, Arkansas 72716-8611
479-273-4000

This is from their coporate "about us" page:

Our Culture

What is “Culture?” It’s how we treat each other; it’s our special way of doing business. It’s what makes us one of the world's most-admired companies.

Most-admired? By whom? Is the treatment of the Shanks what Sam Walton had in mind?

The final week at the old job was quite a challenge. I had accepted the finality of it and just wanted the week to be over so that I could move on. I grew more excited that the end was near as the week wore on. Then Friday rolled around. I had decided that I would spend the morning saying good-bye to as many people as I could. As I made the rounds, I felt a profound sadness. After all, these are the folks that I have shared a substantial part of my last 17 years with. We have shared teamwork, laughter, hard work, success (most of the time), and failure (occasionally). But we have always been a team...at times like a family. That's the toughest thing to leave behind--the wonderful people.

As I walked out the door for the final time, a smile swept across my face. And in fact this smile lasted the rest of the day. It was a selfish smile. One celebrating the accomplishments of my time there, the fact that the turmoil is finished for me, and that I am moving on to a new, exciting chapter in my career.

For my colleagues that remain, I wish nothing but the best for them. Despite the huge personnel cuts, I still have a lot of friends at the company and the company means a lot to the local economy. I wish nothing but success for the company and my former colleagues going forward.

Let me have your attention for a moment, because I'm talking about what? Bitching about that sale I shot, those son of a bitches that didn't want to buy land, somebody didn't want to buy what I was selling, some broad I tried to screw... so forth. Well, let me talk about something important.

Hey buddy, PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN! You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.

I'm here from downtown. I'm here because Mitch and Murray fired me. And I'm here to plead for your mercy. You think you don't have to listen to me? You certainly don't, but the bad news for me is, I got fired. And all I've got is just one week before I am going need some unemployment checks. Starting with tonight, starting right after this sit.

Oh, have I got your attention now? Good.

Let me tell you a little story. Last month, my previous employer, Mitch and Murray added a little something to the sales contest. First prize was a Cadillac Eldorado. Can you guess what second prize was? A set of steak knives. Third prize was a pink slip. You think I'm laughing now?

Mitch and Murray paid good money for the Glengarry leads. They got the names so I could sell them. I couldn't close the leads, I couldn't close shit, I was shit. They told me to, "hit the bricks, pal, and beat it, I was on my way out!" The leads were weak, I was weak. I was in the business for fifteen years, and for the longest time I was on top. King Fuck was my name because all the other salesmen drove Hyundais to work while I bought an $80,000 BMW. And without that job, the payments are really starting to pile up.

I couldn't play in the man's game, I couldn't close the leads. I went home every night and told my wife my troubles. All she could tell me was the mortgage payments were past due.

Let me tell you something gentlemen, only one thing counts in life and that's, "get them to sign on the line which is dotted!" I couldn't do that. Now the only dotted line I'm hoping to sign is the big fat unemployment check you are about to give me.

Mitch and Murry told me to sell. I had the prospects coming in. Did they come in to get out of the rain? I wasn't selling umbrellas, although in retrospect it might have been easier to sell umbrellas instead of real estate given the current state of the market. I had prospects just waiting to give me their money, but I wasn't man enough to take it.

In the old days, I was such a hero. I was rich. I don't know why I wasted my time with that bunch of bums I worked with. I had this great Rolex watch. It probably cost more than most of your cars. Where's the watch now? It's sitting at the pawn shop because I needed to pay the electric bill. Last year I made $970,000. Now how much do I make? Nothing. You see, that's who I was and now I'm nothing.

Was I a nice guy? No, and I didn't give a shit. Was I a good father? No, I was hardly ever home to play with my kids. Now without a job all my kids will have crooked teeth because I can't afford to send them to the orthodontist.

You think I didn't take abuse? I had Mitch and Murry breathing down my neck. I had sales prospects give me every single form of abuse on my sits. Did I like it? No. Did I quit? No. I stuck with it, I couldn't make the sales and Mitch and Murray packed up my desk, had security escort me out of the building and told me to leave.

In the old days, I could take the leads, go out and make $15,000, in a single night! In two hours! But luck runs in streaks. I lost something. I lost the special touch. And where does that leave me now? I'm mad, you son of a bitches! I'm mad!

Do you know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes brass balls to sell real estate. So what did Mitch and Murray do? They emasculated me. They cut off my balls. I know I've only been unemployed for 48 hours, but the constant nagging from the wife at home is beginning to emasculate me as well... "go out and look for a job," she says, or "stop watching Oprah, get off the couch and do something," and "call the plumber, the upstairs toilet won't stop leaking".

Well, that's why I came here today. Things are falling apart. My job, my life, my marriage, my house. I know the money's here at the unemployment office, here for me to pick it up, it's mine. I only ask that you please have a little sympathy for me. I came here tonight to "close you". That unemployment check is mine because if you don't give it to me I'm going to need to grab some shoe polish and start shining.

Now, if you could just write out that check... I have got to meet a few friends to meet at the bar to talk about the good 'ole days, talk about how how I used to be a salesman, how it was a touch racket (gulp, gulp)...

So as I make my leave, hopefully with check in hand, I wish you all good luck. Unfortunately, I didn't know what to do with good luck when I had it.